Tuesday, 2 May 2017

Not mine to hold

This year has been a stressful and demanding year so far, both my depression and anxiety have really been playing up and causing chaos in my head. My psychologist even suggested me going onto anti-depressants and that scared me as I’ve always tried so hard to not need them (I do believe they are helpful and have a place but I’m not ready to go there yet). I’m currently using St John’s Wort which does help a little but one of my biggest issues is I’m an empath and I feel what others are feeling around me. I’m a giant magnetic and seem to suck all the negative energy into my system like a drowning swimmer gasping for air. I can be in the best of moods then boom one word or look from someone and I’m gone. It annoys the crap out of me.

To try and avoid having to go on anti-depressants I’ve started trying to do yoga, meditation and journaling daily to help me stay centred and mindful. Through the process of this over the past few weeks I’ve started to get some real insights into my behaviour. I've realised that I feel responsible for how others feel, if they are sad or angry I feel it’s my need to help them with that, it’s my responsibility to make them happy. But the truth of the matter it isn’t my responsibility at all, I’m not the one in control of their moods and behaviours – they are – all I am in control of is my moods and behaviours.

Someone else’s reactions/behaviour is not a reflection on me – my reactions/behaviour is a reflection of me. How I response to others is all I can control, as the saying goes “Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you react”. It’s not my job to make others happy – yes don’t go do things to make them upset on purpose but I cannot make someone happy or take their pain and hurt away. They are the only ones that can do that, they are the ones with the responsibility to do that. Their moods and behaviours are separate from me they are not mine to hold.

When I wrote that down the other day “they are not mine to hold” my body instantly felt relaxed as if someone had come and taken a huge heavy backpack of my shoulders. There’s a certain family member that brings me down a lot and I’ve always wanted to do whatever I could to make them better but “they are not mine to hold” – I cannot do the work for them only they can. Yes I can love them and care about them but I cannot no matter how much I want to, be the one in control of their mood and behaviour. What a relief but also what a sadness as they don’t want to make themselves better.

Who’s moods and behaviours do you take on and feel responsible for?

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