Thursday, 14 September 2017

So many questions not enough answers


I get questioned a lot, anything I do in life is pretty much always questioned – Why are you doing that? Why would you want to do that? Why do you like that? Why do you have to be so different? Why do you want to make that? And so on and so forth. Ever since I was a little girl my thoughts and actions have been scrutinised so whenever I want to start something new or try something different or just plain do anything I come up with a list of answers to all the usual questions I get asked.

But you know what I always seem to miss a question, I never have enough answers, there’s always another question and another. I cannot keep up. I find it so tiring always having to be prepped and ready with the answers and sometimes I don’t even know the answers. So how can I give answers if I don’t know them?

I’m starting to realise that I’ll never have all the answers to all the questions because people are always going to doubt me, to question me, to ridicule me and scrutinise me because people will always doubt/question/ridicule/scrutinise themselves. The questions are not personal attacks against me, they are personal attacks against themselves and I’m just the one in the crossfire. Doesn’t make it right or fair at all, it’s not an excuse for the behaviour but it’s a reason for the behaviour. I’m sure myself I’ve done this to others without realising it. We all carry around self-doubt and when it becomes too heavy for us to carry any longer we start throwing it at others in unhelpful ways.

Self-doubt is crippling, I’m full of so much self-doubt, and there have been many missed moments and opportunities in my life because I doubted myself terribly. This is something I’m constantly working on and also how to not let others influence my self-belief too just because they have their own self-belief issues.

Do you get questioned a lot? If so how do you find the answers? Or do you have a way to handle all the questions that get thrown at you? Do you have self-doubt?

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Tuesday, 29 August 2017

September Mindful Style Challenge


I love a good style challenge and I've been missing them lately, I haven't seen them around for awhile so I've decided to create my own for the month of September and I'd love for you to join me.

Style challenges hold a special place and meaning in my life. Back in March 2014 I joined my first one on Instagram through Fox In Flats. I had just had my first miscarriage, I had a terrible infection from the removal and I was in a very low place. I saw the style prompts and thought why not, I need to do something. While the pain (both psychically and emotionally) didn't go away but just for a few minutes everyday, I focused on something else, I had a something to look forward to. Picking out what to wear seems so simple and automatic but in that moment in time it was my lifeline and I'm forever grateful.

Clothes have a way of making us feel so many emotions, they can be both negative and positive. We can feel amazing or we can feel blah, can bring us up high or bring us down low. It might just seem like clothes but as the saying goes "the clothes make the man" and they can make the man/woman feel awesome!!!!

Yes I know clothes are vanity in a way and there is so much going on in the world that's more important but is it really bad if picking out something to wear and sharing it can bring a smile to your face and just make the world feel a little less horrible?

I'd love for you to join in with me next month and celebrate all things happy. You can join for a day, a week, the whole month it's up to you. Interpret the prompts as you like and please use the hashtag #smilesmindfulstyle so I can see what you are all wearing and here's to bringing a little bit more sunshine to our day.

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Tuesday, 15 August 2017

Always a student


My beautiful little 15 month old boy Star Boy started swimming lessons back in February this year. Every week since then I have dreaded Tuesday mornings because for 30 minutes straight I’ve had to watch my baby boy cry and scream his way through his lessons in my arms. Most weeks I just wanted to get out of the pool and go home never to return again, cause here was my happy chappy boy becoming a complete mess every time we stepped into that pool.

I did return each week because swimming is a vital skill to have and I don’t want him to miss out on all the fun that comes with swimming as he ages, the beach, pool parties, visits to his cousins’ pool, learning how to backflip into the pool while giving his mother a heart attack, swimming carnivals etc, plus having the skill to swim can help save his life.

Growing up I was always allowed to quit whatever I was doing, the moment it got tough I’d quit and walk away never to try again. I don’t want Star Boy to do the same, I want to teach him that yes things can be hard to learn and it takes time to learn a new skill but it’s worth the fight. It’s taken 24 weeks for him to stop crying during swimming and he now has started to smile, play, clap and enjoy swimming, including giving the instructor a high five at the end of the lesson. He’s still not fussed on being submerged under water yet but recovers straight away (he just needs to learn to close his mouth when going under the water and then he won’t swallow the entire pool).

If I had of walked away over the last 24 weeks Star Boy would have never had learnt how to enjoy the water or swim. By pushing myself I’ve made progress on learning the skill of not quitting myself, so while teaching Star Boy I have also learnt that I’ll never stop being the student.

Tuesday, 1 August 2017

Taking Stock


July has been an interesting month and August looks like it will be another different month again, so I've taken time to take stock and reflect back.

Original Idea from: Meet Me At Mikes

Making : memories
Cooking : banana choc chip muffins
Drinking : chai tea
Reading: Animal, Vegetable, Miracle – Our Year of Seasonal Eating by Barbara Kingsolver
Trawling: Instagram
Wanting: Calmness of the mind
Looking: at Star Boy’s happy face
Deciding: should I take a nap today
Wishing: to be in the moment more
Enjoying: crumpets with almond butter and cinnamon
Waiting: for the NBN to show up in our area so we can get some internet
Liking: the library reservation button in my online account
Wondering: why do politicians fight instead of running the country
Loving: blowing bubbles with Star Boy
Pondering: why so many kids toys have batteries
Listening: to the radio – Hope 103.2FM (the best)
Considering: trying to make my own hand soup
Buying: bananas
Watching: Arrow Season 3
Hoping: to sleep through the night with no nightmares
Marvelling: at the development of a child
Cringing: every time I hear the news and a politician speaks
Needing: new hankies so I can stop using so many tissues
Questioning: am I doing this life thing right?
Smelling: gingerbread cookies candle
Wearing: trackies and a cozy jumper
Noticing: the flying birds
Knowing: God has my back
Thinking: way too much
Admiring: my husband’s love for both me and Star Boy
Getting: so many library books
Bookmarking: craft ides to do with Star Boy for MJ’s birthday soon & Father’s Day
Opening: A bank account for Star Boy to help give him some money for his future
Closing: off past hurts (well trying to)
Feeling: everything
Hearing: baby laughter at being tickled
Celebrating: naptimes
Pretending: I’ve got the strength for it all
Embracing: myself

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Tuesday, 25 July 2017

Unknown Grief


A few weeks back over one weekend I become so overwhelmed with sadness, it had been a hard day and I was trying to relax by doing so relaxation yoga before bed. I was fighting back tears, my whole body felt tired and heavy with grief like I was mourning a loss. But what was I grieving? What was causing my bones to ache in despair?

Since becoming a mum a lot of childhood memories having been coming up and reliving themselves in my brain, memories I had long forgotten, memories full of pain and hurt. The grief has been a feeling of a lost childhood, something I’ll never get back. Reliving the pain and hurt of things and situations I had not control or say over whatsoever and realising how much I missed out on growing up. So much stress, pressure and unrealistic expectations that were put onto me and sadly continue to be now at age 32. I do not pity myself but I feel a deep sadness at having missed out on a relaxed and carefree childhood.

I know I cannot change the past but I can change the future by learning from the past and making things better for the next generation. I can provide chances and opportunities for Star Boy to have a happier life and less mental beat-up than what I went through. I can do my best to give him that relaxed/carefree childhood he deserves.

I never realised how much motherhood can affect a person and the emotions that it can evoke. I will continue sit with my emotions at this time and learn what needs to be learnt and hopefully one day be able to heal from this and transform into something new. 

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