Tuesday, 15 August 2017

Always a student


My beautiful little 15 month old boy Star Boy started swimming lessons back in February this year. Every week since then I have dreaded Tuesday mornings because for 30 minutes straight I’ve had to watch my baby boy cry and scream his way through his lessons in my arms. Most weeks I just wanted to get out of the pool and go home never to return again, cause here was my happy chappy boy becoming a complete mess every time we stepped into that pool.

I did return each week because swimming is a vital skill to have and I don’t want him to miss out on all the fun that comes with swimming as he ages, the beach, pool parties, visits to his cousins’ pool, learning how to backflip into the pool while giving his mother a heart attack, swimming carnivals etc, plus having the skill to swim can help save his life.

Growing up I was always allowed to quit whatever I was doing, the moment it got tough I’d quit and walk away never to try again. I don’t want Star Boy to do the same, I want to teach him that yes things can be hard to learn and it takes time to learn a new skill but it’s worth the fight. It’s taken 24 weeks for him to stop crying during swimming and he now has started to smile, play, clap and enjoy swimming, including giving the instructor a high five at the end of the lesson. He’s still not fussed on being submerged under water yet but recovers straight away (he just needs to learn to close his mouth when going under the water and then he won’t swallow the entire pool).

If I had of walked away over the last 24 weeks Star Boy would have never had learnt how to enjoy the water or swim. By pushing myself I’ve made progress on learning the skill of not quitting myself, so while teaching Star Boy I have also learnt that I’ll never stop being the student.

Tuesday, 1 August 2017

Taking Stock


July has been an interesting month and August looks like it will be another different month again, so I've taken time to take stock and reflect back.

Original Idea from: Meet Me At Mikes

Making : memories
Cooking : banana choc chip muffins
Drinking : chai tea
Reading: Animal, Vegetable, Miracle – Our Year of Seasonal Eating by Barbara Kingsolver
Trawling: Instagram
Wanting: Calmness of the mind
Looking: at Star Boy’s happy face
Deciding: should I take a nap today
Wishing: to be in the moment more
Enjoying: crumpets with almond butter and cinnamon
Waiting: for the NBN to show up in our area so we can get some internet
Liking: the library reservation button in my online account
Wondering: why do politicians fight instead of running the country
Loving: blowing bubbles with Star Boy
Pondering: why so many kids toys have batteries
Listening: to the radio – Hope 103.2FM (the best)
Considering: trying to make my own hand soup
Buying: bananas
Watching: Arrow Season 3
Hoping: to sleep through the night with no nightmares
Marvelling: at the development of a child
Cringing: every time I hear the news and a politician speaks
Needing: new hankies so I can stop using so many tissues
Questioning: am I doing this life thing right?
Smelling: gingerbread cookies candle
Wearing: trackies and a cozy jumper
Noticing: the flying birds
Knowing: God has my back
Thinking: way too much
Admiring: my husband’s love for both me and Star Boy
Getting: so many library books
Bookmarking: craft ides to do with Star Boy for MJ’s birthday soon & Father’s Day
Opening: A bank account for Star Boy to help give him some money for his future
Closing: off past hurts (well trying to)
Feeling: everything
Hearing: baby laughter at being tickled
Celebrating: naptimes
Pretending: I’ve got the strength for it all
Embracing: myself

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Tuesday, 25 July 2017

Unknown Grief


A few weeks back over one weekend I become so overwhelmed with sadness, it had been a hard day and I was trying to relax by doing so relaxation yoga before bed. I was fighting back tears, my whole body felt tired and heavy with grief like I was mourning a loss. But what was I grieving? What was causing my bones to ache in despair?

Since becoming a mum a lot of childhood memories having been coming up and reliving themselves in my brain, memories I had long forgotten, memories full of pain and hurt. The grief has been a feeling of a lost childhood, something I’ll never get back. Reliving the pain and hurt of things and situations I had not control or say over whatsoever and realising how much I missed out on growing up. So much stress, pressure and unrealistic expectations that were put onto me and sadly continue to be now at age 32. I do not pity myself but I feel a deep sadness at having missed out on a relaxed and carefree childhood.

I know I cannot change the past but I can change the future by learning from the past and making things better for the next generation. I can provide chances and opportunities for Star Boy to have a happier life and less mental beat-up than what I went through. I can do my best to give him that relaxed/carefree childhood he deserves.

I never realised how much motherhood can affect a person and the emotions that it can evoke. I will continue sit with my emotions at this time and learn what needs to be learnt and hopefully one day be able to heal from this and transform into something new. 

Tuesday, 11 July 2017

What do I really want?


What do I really want? 

- I want to feel content in myself
- I want to enjoy myself without the constant mind chatter
- I want to believe in myself more
- I want to stop being so darn hard on myself
- I want to know that I am a good mother/wife and actually believe it
- I want to stop doubting and second guessing myself
- I want to speak my truth
- I want to be able to stand up to my parents
- I want to sleep through the night without nightmares
- I want to enjoy sex more
- I want to help others feel good about themselves
- I want to feel good about myself
- I want to publish a book
- I want to make money from writing
- I want to be proud of myself
- I want to accept myself for who I am
- I want to be LOVE!

What do you really really want?

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Sunday, 21 May 2017

Doing the unexpected


I'm a creature of habit, I like to stay cozy in my little world and not disrupt it too much. But I shocked myself this past week when I signed up to an app called Mush (not sponsored just sharing a story).

Mush is an app to help mums to meet other mums in their area. You make a profile about yourself and your child and see what other mums live close by and you can connect and catch up for coffee or playdates etc.

I signed up last Sunday (I saw it on the Mother's Day advertising in the app store) and by the next morning I got a message from a mum who live only 4 streets away. We organised to meet up and take our kids to the park. I have never done anything like this in my life before and I was so nervous and couldn't actually believe that I was doing this (my anxiety started having a field day inside my brain). I keep saying to myself "what are you thinking? you don't do this kind of stuff, who do you think you are? you're so silly". But you know what I am glad that I did, I got out of the house and talked to someone I normally would have never met and had a conversation with another adult (which doesn't happen often).

I was so proud of myself for pushing through my limiting beliefs about myself and did something way out of my comfort zone and proved to myself that just cause I'm an introvert and have anxiety doesn't mean I cannot socialise or meet new people.

So does this mean I'll try my hand at public speaking next? Ha ha no but I will be trying to challenge myself to just step outside my little box every now and then cause you never know what might happen.

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