Sunday, 21 May 2017

Doing the unexpected


I'm a creature of habit, I like to stay cozy in my little world and not disrupt it too much. But I shocked myself this past week when I signed up to an app called Mush (not sponsored just sharing a story).

Mush is an app to help mums to meet other mums in their area. You make a profile about yourself and your child and see what other mums live close by and you can connect and catch up for coffee or playdates etc.

I signed up last Sunday (I saw it on the Mother's Day advertising in the app store) and by the next morning I got a message from a mum who live only 4 streets away. We organised to meet up and take our kids to the park. I have never done anything like this in my life before and I was so nervous and couldn't actually believe that I was doing this (my anxiety started having a field day inside my brain). I keep saying to myself "what are you thinking? you don't do this kind of stuff, who do you think you are? you're so silly". But you know what I am glad that I did, I got out of the house and talked to someone I normally would have never met and had a conversation with another adult (which doesn't happen often).

I was so proud of myself for pushing through my limiting beliefs about myself and did something way out of my comfort zone and proved to myself that just cause I'm an introvert and have anxiety doesn't mean I cannot socialise or meet new people.

So does this mean I'll try my hand at public speaking next? Ha ha no but I will be trying to challenge myself to just step outside my little box every now and then cause you never know what might happen.

Photo source

Also find me on Instagram, Twitter and Pinterest

Tuesday, 2 May 2017

Not mine to hold


This year has been a stressful and demanding year so far, both my depression and anxiety have really been playing up and causing chaos in my head. My psychologist even suggested me going onto anti-depressants and that scared me as I’ve always tried so hard to not need them (I do believe they are helpful and have a place but I’m not ready to go there yet). I’m currently using St John’s Wort which does help a little but one of my biggest issues is I’m an empath and I feel what others are feeling around me. I’m a giant magnetic and seem to suck all the negative energy into my system like a drowning swimmer gasping for air. I can be in the best of moods then boom one word or look from someone and I’m gone. It annoys the crap out of me.

To try and avoid having to go on anti-depressants I’ve started trying to do yoga, meditation and journaling daily to help me stay centred and mindful. Through the process of this over the past few weeks I’ve started to get some real insights into my behaviour. I've realised that I feel responsible for how others feel, if they are sad or angry I feel it’s my need to help them with that, it’s my responsibility to make them happy. But the truth of the matter it isn’t my responsibility at all, I’m not the one in control of their moods and behaviours – they are – all I am in control of is my moods and behaviours.

Someone else’s reactions/behaviour is not a reflection on me – my reactions/behaviour is a reflection of me. How I response to others is all I can control, as the saying goes “Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you react”. It’s not my job to make others happy – yes don’t go do things to make them upset on purpose but I cannot make someone happy or take their pain and hurt away. They are the only ones that can do that, they are the ones with the responsibility to do that. Their moods and behaviours are separate from me they are not mine to hold.

When I wrote that down the other day “they are not mine to hold” my body instantly felt relaxed as if someone had come and taken a huge heavy backpack of my shoulders. There’s a certain family member that brings me down a lot and I’ve always wanted to do whatever I could to make them better but “they are not mine to hold” – I cannot do the work for them only they can. Yes I can love them and care about them but I cannot no matter how much I want to, be the one in control of their mood and behaviour. What a relief but also what a sadness as they don’t want to make themselves better.

Who’s moods and behaviours do you take on and feel responsible for?

Photo source

Also find me on Instagram, Twitter and Pinterest

Friday, 28 April 2017

Letter to Star Boy


Dear Star Boy,

It's been just over a year since you hurtled into our lives and turned our world upside down, you showed us what it meant to love. Your cheeky smiles, crazy hair and constant babbling are the best sights and sounds in the world. You drive us both crazy and have us in fits of laughter all in the space of the same minute.

What an awesome ride this past year has been, with you growing and changing every day and learning new things all the time with us having to grow and change and learn along with you, like the time I learnt that no matter how desperate you are for the bathroom do not leave the shopping on the floor unless you want raw egg smashed into the carpet.

Your daddy and I love infinity times infinity, we didn't even know you could love like this. You are a beautiful little Star Boy sent from heavens above and we are grateful to God every day for choosing us to be your parents. God is going to help you achieve wonderful things in your life darling and He'll guide you every step of the way, always remember to lean into Him and trust He'll show you the way.

Our arms will always be open for you gorgeous boy no matter where life takes you.

Happy 1st birthday honey bunny

Love Mumma and Daddy xoxo

Photo source

Also find me on Instagram, Twitter and Pinterest

Monday, 17 April 2017

I hate food


I hate food!!!!

There I said it, those words came out of my mouth - well, yes technically out of my fingers onto the keyboard but you get the gist.

I'm over eating food, thinking about it, planning it, buying it, the works. I wish I never had to eat again.

I'm so tired of thinking about what to eat, what to feed myself, my husband and my son. What to cook for dinner, what to eat for lunch, what to have as a snack.

Please tell me there is someone else out there that feels the same way? Are there other people out there that are just so over food they'd be happy if they never had to eat again?

Everyday I need to work out what to feed Star Boy, who pretty much just turns his nose up at anything that isn't meat or porridge and just throws his food across the table or onto the floor. When he refuses to eat one thing I'm trying to rack my brain what to try him with next and then when that is inevitably refused as well so I'm onto the next item of food to contemplate and workout. By the time I've done all this I've got no energy to think about eating myself as I'm so stressed out from picking up toast crusts and egg bits from the floor and scrubbing Vegemite out of the carpet.

Life would be so much simpler if food didn't get in the way, just imagine how much extra time we would all have and the extra cash in our pockets too, it would be awesome. But I will admit there is nothing quite like the feeling of eating a bowl full of fresh raspberries and admiring their lovely red jewelness, or the smell of a roast chicken baking in the oven on a weekend evening and oh who could live without the stickiness of fresh homemade sticky date pudding.

So maybe food isn't that bad but it would be nice if we didn't have to think so darn hard about it for so many hours of the day and it would be fantastic if an 11 month old ate the damn food you gave him instead of sticking in underneath his butt for you to peel off his clothes later.

Picture source

Also find me on Instagram, Twitter and Pinterest

Wednesday, 22 March 2017

Isolation


Check my phone for the billionth time – really it’s only 1:32pm there’s still 5 hours to go. I’m covered in spit, snot and sweat and none of it my own, my legs are full of scratches and there’s rice stuck in my hair. As I put my phone down there’s a little face staring up at me smiling, well now he’s crying cause he slipped on his little book and face planted into the carpet. “It’s okay sweetie, mumma’s got you” – now I can add tears to the list of today’s fluids on me (the wee came later in the night).

So much energy in such a little package – no energy left inside the mumma package. I adore and cherish this little munchkin and love him to bits, but some days I just don’t want to adult anymore. I want to sleep in (well try as sleep escapes me – the kid sleeps better than I), focus on a task for longer than 30 seconds, I want someone to talk to me about anything and everything not just ask me how the baby is going and then walk away.

I love being a mumma and I cherish every moment with my little Star Boy however I was never prepared for the isolation that comes with it. All day alone, no breaks, no communication with the outside world, trapped like a rat in a maze. The struggles are hard: try communicating with the outside and you’re shut down, ignored, told to be grateful and suck it up. I know there’s nothing that can be said to make it all better but a listening ear can make you feel less alone and at least heard.

We cannot function as a sole unit and we need community to survive so why do we except parents to do it alone, why do we offer up “support” in forms of “just deal with it”, “oh get over it all children are like that”, “be grateful for what you have after all you struggled to get this one” (that’s the one that hurts the most especially coming from family). Ok I know we cannot fix the problem as yes all kids have their “jerk” moments where you are just so over it all you want to do is tie them to the chair and let them watch Thomas the Tank Engine all day. Most of us know you cannot say anything that will make it easier as parenting is a tough job and words cannot magically take away the struggle so why don’t we instead just be a friend and listen or talk about other things happening in the world that doesn’t involve the child. It’s actually nice to have other conversations.

Words cannot save us alone only connection can.

Photo source

Also find me on Instagram, Twitter and Pinterest
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...